Actually, the title should be things you never, ever put up with when dating someone! My clients range in age from 28 to 78 years old---and all in between. If any of these are one of your early encounters, let’s face it---they will only get worse. You may know my saying: “the best behavior is in the first month(s) of dating”.
Daniel, a successful 58-year-old attorney and client of mine, recapped this story for me yesterday. It was his second date with Anna, a pretty, 57-year-old doctor and they’d just had a pleasant tapas/sangria fueled dinner and he was driving her home. She took a phone call from her ex-husband in the car, something to do with one of their children. (That’s ok, right?). Well, the small incident was resolved in 5 minutes and suddenly she blasted into a story with her ex “Remember when we……” and for the next 20 minutes of the car ride home reminisced with her ex in front of Daniel.
Think there was a 3rd date? And she texted him surprised he never asked her out again.
1. Talking on the phone while on a date If it’s not an emergency or important, why? You just showed your date you don’t value his time.
2. Too inquisitive Nosy. Of course, we are talking first dates here. Sure, you can ask how long someone has been divorced. But the buck stops there. It’s none of your business at this point why they divorced, was it acrimonious, are they paying a hefty alimony, etc. Mark, 45, told me a woman asked him if he ever cheated on his wife---on the first date. He was new to online dating and asked me if that was normal. Heck, no!
3. Bad relationships with family and they tell you about it Maria, 37, had a date last week with Mark over a coffee and within 10 minutes he told he was estranged from his children, as he was never present in their lives. As he began launching into his dysfunctional childhood, she drained her latte and told him this wasn’t going to work in a gracious manner. And, he looked confused. He texted her the next day asking what he did wrong---and while tempted to tell him you need a whole lot of therapy, she just said she felt no connection. Smart. There is absolutely no reason to stay for an hour when someone launches their issues on you. (Oh, she blocked him on her phone too). Things like this---you just move on!
4. Language Ok, so she’s a Wall Street trader and exposed and used to foul language. And uses it herself. As Michael commented “I walk in, see this pretty, petite woman and think, yes! Then she opened her mouth”.
5. They don’t make you laugh Many people comment in online profiles that they enjoy a sense of humor. But that can range from silly, goofy, quirky to a jokester. You either click on this---or don’t! more......
Some happier news---I had two engagements last week which just makes my day---no, it makes my week. One is Paul (my client) and Emma in Palm Beach and they are planning a Labor Day weekend. They are both 65-years-old---and I’m invited to the wedding---yay! Second is Michaela (my client) and Ross, 47 and 42 respectively and it’s first marriages for both.
They are planning a NYC wedding in the late Fall. Not sure of my invite yet!
6. Gossipy On a first date? You don’t even know this person. Now, I’m not talking about telling funny stories, I’m talking about a mean-spirited way of describing people. Talking bad about others does not resonate with the majority of people.
7. Talking negatively about your dating app/dates you’ve gone on Laura, a very positive and happy go lucky client of mine shared this story with me. Her date’s first question was “Are you finding these dating sites as awful as I am?”. She was surprised and I liked her answer: “Wow, really. I’ve met some fantastic men---just not the right one for me yet”. And guess what? Even after her comment, he wanted to continue on about all the unattractive women he’d met. She immediately tossed him out of her line-up of potential second dates.
8. Bad Manners Christopher, 64 had invited Louisa on a first date to a wine bar for one drink. When he arrived, she was on her second glass of wine and busy ordering not one, but 3 appetizers. He gave her the benefit of the doubt, but when the check appeared, she left to make a phone call. Now, Christopher is a gentleman who always pays the check but he was perplexed when she didn’t even bother saying thank you. And, she had scarfed down most of the appetizers and ordered a third drink too.
9. Drinks too much Well, I guess #8 covered this one!
10. And the good old rude to the waitstaff Definitely shows one’s true colors. Laura met Thomas for a second date at Mastro’s, an upscale steak house in Newport Beach. (Prior to that, they’d had a pleasant coffee meeting). First, he complained about his salad. But the denouement came when he angrily chastised the waiter about the temperature of his steak and asked to speak to a manager.
Keep in mind most of the time I hear fun, heart-warming stories about first dates. Sure, not everyone has chemistry and it’s love at first site. But if you spot the above “red flags” on the first few dates, chances are it will not get better.
My clients who do best and add to my 65% success rate of developing relationships tend to be positive, well-mannered singles. So, keep in mind it only takes one and don’t give up after one bad experience. With 128 million singles alone in the US, I promise he/she may be right around the corner. Chalk it up to experience ---and move on to that next date!
Have fun, chin up and just think, you could be next!
Andrea McGinty Founder, It’s Just Lunch (sold) Founder, 33000Dates.com 702-494-7344 (EST time zone) PS---I started matchmaking in college and my roommate got married (they are still married!)—who knew this would be my career for an accounting/finance major? I still think I have the best job with my dating consulting services after 25+ years (and I’m lucky to know all of you!).