Over 25+ years running a dating consulting service (and before that as Founder of It’s Just Lunch matchmaking) you wouldn’t’ believe the things I have heard. But you all continue to surprise me as I still hear new relationship/dating issues constantly.
Ok, let’s start with I work with intelligent people. But that’s the brain, right? The heart is a totally different organ!
So, here we go with some tips (Remember Paul Simon’s song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover?) on when it’s time to pull the plug and move on.
1. Fear of moving on “There is nothing to fear but fear itself”. FDR He pretty much said it, right?
Probably one of the most common reasons people stay in a bad/boring relationship. What’s out there? Is it better or worse than where I am right now? Ok, it’s not the 90’s where your options were more limited---no google, no online dating, etc. Please get over your fear---I’m in a fortunate position to know there are both great men and women out there as I see it every day (single, divorced, widowed) and NO, they are not all married. No, all men don’t want to date younger women. No, all the good, attractive women are not married. Yes, you can start a new relationship at ages 40, 50, 60 and more! Back to there are 128 million singles in the US. Does that make you feel better?
2. Words don’t match the actions She says one thing, does another. He talks about planning a trip for the two of you to Italy….and he’s been talking about this for 10 months with no definite time period/plans. Really, is this what you want?
Why settle? Let’s have a 15-minute chat and see if I can find you the right person. After over 6,000 marriages and many successful, happy relationships, it’s what I do as a dating coach. And I love what I do. I love hearing about you and helping you. I’m graciously direct and a good cheerleader with the ups and downs of online dating. My clients tell me that I save them 80% of their time with my methods. If you are frustrated with dating, I’m you’re woman!
3. Asking for attention/affection No need to say more!
4. You love them…but don’t like them This happens more frequently than you’d think. Time to have an honest conversation with yourself.
5. Basic values are different I was going to use myself as an example, but then thought better of this as my ex-husband (on amicable terms) reads my columns. You may value family, friends, spirituality, etc. Their core values may be money and status. In the long run, how will this work? Here's my mantra many of you have heard: You must have the 3 C’s for a successful relationship: Communication, Chemistry, Common Values. All the rest is up for grabs. (Not abuse, obviously).
6. More pain than joy You don’t enjoy conversations. Time together. Laughter. When struggle outweighs pleasure, time to take a hike.
7. I’m happy…no, I’m not Ok, life is never a bed of roses. But if you go back and forth on a daily, weekly basis with this thought, I’d sit down and make a PRO/CON list. Something is definitely wrong here.
8. Uncertain about the future Maybe you want marriage. Maybe she’s just happy dating. He wants to live in London. You love Newport Beach. OK, this isn’t something to discuss on the first few dates---but what you both want most certainly should be a conversation you have in the first few months. You can love each other---but want different things. This causes uncertainty and in general is a waste of your valuable time and years!
9. Expects you to change/You expect them to change I dislike bold. But here goes: IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
10.You don’t feel the same way about each other So, let’s find you someone who feels the same way about you as you do about them. You deserve this. It's a simple decision.
Have a fabulous day...and give online dating a chance. There's too many good people out there to not dive into this pool. Done the right way, of course!
Andrea McGinty Dating Expert and Dating and Relationship Coach
Founder, 33000Dates Founder, It's Just Lunch (sold to private equity firm)
702-494-7344 (you can always text me if you don't see an appointment time available for a 15-minute free call)