My goal is that everyone is successful at dating---yep, I know a big mission statement, so I just keep writing my observation and tips and hope they help singles in the online dating process.
No, I’m not picking on men today---I give equal space always to women too! And, it’s not intended to be sexist---merely observations from over 25+ years as a dating coach. (When I founded It’s Just Lunch matchmaking service in the 90’s for over 15 years I listened to both male and female feedback from both parties after each date---and trust me, there were commonalities in behavior both from a man’s perspective as well as a woman’s). Online dating may have dramatically changed how we date, but the sociology has not changed with online versus matchmaking.
So here we go with dating mistakes made by men:
1. Appearance Apathy Ever hear of the 7 Second Rule for First Impression? That means within seven seconds, the person across from you is assessing whether you are likeable, trustworthy, and competent. So, my male friends, according to massive research, 11 impressions occur about you in that time with women. Like what you ask? Your clothes. Teeth. Smile. Confidence level. Make your best impression. Guys, I’d highly recommend a trip to Nordstrom (or what’s in your budget---I like N as they have stylists to help you) and pick out two shirts, one pair of pants, shoes and a belt. Tell the sales associate it’s for dating! Think of it as investing in your love life versus shopping, if you can’t stand shopping. You don’t want to look like your father---or worse like your grandfather!
(My client Luke, 56, after our initial zoom call asked me what to wear on his first dates, which due to his schedule were primarily drinks dates. He Face Timed me a couple ideas. I texted him some ideas---and he got two Robert Graham button down shirts on sale for $49 each which were so sharp! He’d been married for 25 years---and his wardrobe was tired!)
2. Stop going on expensive first dates
It’s just not necessary. So please don’t complain that you spent $700 + on first dates in September. No one has an expectation of a steak dinner at Mastro’s. Women all prefer an hour coffee date or a drink after work---if it’s going well, perhaps a shared appetizer. We don’t need to be impressed---we just want to get to know you!
(A good date from yesterday----Cara (my client) and Marc (an online date we picked out together) met in Orlando yesterday at 2 for a coffee---it went well, the two 50-somethings chatted about pickleball---and they realized they both had their PB gear in the car---and went off and played for 90 minutes---She called me late yesterday and said I loved his spontaneity! And they have another date Thursday evening).
Cost of date: Coffee around $12 and court entry $10----see what you can get for $22!!!
3. Monologuing I think it’s a word. Ok, I sit on the fence on this one as it’s so prevalent on first dates. The man talks 70-80% of the time, annoying women. Where are the questions about me? Why does he only talk about himself? Is it an inherent gene?
I think it is. Because if you give him a chance for a second date, it generally settles to a 50-50%-ish conversation. Problem, Guys? Many women won’t give you that 2nd chance. So, be conscious of this, gentleman, on your dates and pepper your conversation with questions.
Ladies, when I hear you tell me you had a 90-minute monologue date---jump right in with a smile, interrupting, yes, interrupting, with a “Wow, I feel like I know so much about you---My turn! Fire away with the questions”. Yes, it works.
4. Insipid Profiles and Photos online Ok, you must decide, men, are you doing this or not? If you are halfway on board, your success rate will be nil. By that I mean stop with the following:
1. 1-2 Photos (you need 5-6) Women don’t trust a man with one photo.
2. Have a shirt on. I don’t care how great your body is----save it to show us later on!
3. No selfies. Period.
4. Holding a cocktail/beer in every photo
5. Rants about online dating in your profile---if you are that negative, take a break
6. Holding a fish. We. Just. Don’t. Care.
7. When you receive a message and you are interested, answer promptly and ask us a question or two also.
8. Don’t do free memberships online---commit to one, pay and you’ll see radically different results.
9. Check your site/app at least 3 times a week---or you may miss out on someone great. Online dating moves at a fast clip.
10. Men telling me: All the good ones are married or taken. No. Almost 50% of the population is single---and you are single now, right?
I’ll stop right here with one last thought—this is #5. Men tell me they want to meet someone “organically”. Guess what? That went out years ago. People move away from their support systems. Technology happens. We are actually living in a wonderful world to meet someone and fall in love.
My real mission nearest and dearest to my heart? Eradicate loneliness! Have you fall in love!
Have a lovely Sunday and my football fans in NY and KC---yes, I’ll be looking for Taylor too!
Ohhh, I have another blog coming up later this week on The Golden Bachelor with some inside scoop!
Ready to get dating? Sign up for a free 15-minute call with me today—yes, I take calls on Sunday---but even better, text me at 702-494-7344 today what time you’d like to chat.
Online Profile Writing, Online Dating Expert, Dating Strategist and Relationship Counselor