Sure, it would be absolutely wonderful if we possessed all these traits---but life is about growth. Success and failure are what define who we are and who we become.
Just as no one is “perfect” (and who wants perfect, anyway?) neither are we perfect. I know I’m not. I just read a list the other day of 15 attributes you want in the person you marry---and while I was thinking of my upcoming marriage, I didn’t get close to hitting all 15. When I thought of Jeff, I thought wow, he has all 15. But probably if I had asked him if he thought he had all 15, he’d look at me like I was a bit crazy!
But, as a dating coach doing what I do for over 25 years and thousands of clients and marriages, I do notice daily what makes some people find the right relationship….and others not. Just something to think about.
So here we go:
1. Perspective and Balance Yes, success in a relationship is partly about keeping things in perspective, and understanding that not everything is dramatic or a matter of life or death. They approach challenges with a sense of calm and reason, and that helps maintain a healthy balance in their relationships.Yes, we all get emotional. But maybe we try to check the theatrics at the door. I have found meditation and yoga help me. But there are many ways to keep things on an even keel. One is to take a few breaths (or 100) before reacting.
2. Self-Awareness Well, we aren’t 17 anymore. This has hopefully been developed with each year of our lives. Do you have a deep understanding of your strengths, weaknesses, values, and goals? This helps us enter into relationships with clarity about what we want and need---as well as what we can offer a partner.I was working with a client this week who is very much a “giver” ---a strength, right? But the flip side of this is that there are “takers” in life. This is where self-awareness is key. Yes, give by all means. But my client is quite the gentleman, successful, and kind; when we talked about his situation, he realized he was getting nothing in return and it was making him unhappy. It’s time to move on. Exactly what we are working on now together.
3. Kindness and Compassion Nope, not overrated. This is imperative in a sound, lasting, loving relationship. What do I mean by kindness? Seems a bit basic, Andrea. What I mean is that they are kind to others and themselves, demonstrating empathy and compassion in their interactions. Kindness is a fundamental value in their relationships, encouraging a supportive and nurturing environment.Are they kind in how they speak of others? Are they kind in contact with wait staff, a salesperson at Nordstrom, the valet parking their car?
4. Positivity It’s not all sunshine and unicorns, I know that. My clients always tell me how upbeat I am and fun---but you bet I have my downtime too.
But for the most part, are you/are they maintaining a positive outlook, even in challenging situations and motivated to overcome obstacles?Gratitude is a component of positivity. By focusing on this, we can develop a sense of abundance and contentment---which leads to increased happiness and satisfaction in life.My personal litmus test? When I started online dating, I always asked this question: “Oh, I hope you found the parking for Deck 84 easily” then listened. Wow. A simple question and the replies ranged from “Geez, could they put up some better signage—I had to drive around the Intercoastal three times before I found it” to “Oh, yes, the valets here are great”. Hmmm, this always gave me a super quick read into their personality. (In full disclosure, when I had It’s Just Lunch and was constantly interviewing and hiring, the first questions I’d ask was “How was your trip here” and the answers ranged from “Ohhh, my flight was delayed, packed and I got stuck in a middle seat” to “Oh great, just excited to be here”). Well, the interview in my mind was over in 2 minutes!
5. Resilience and Growth
Sound weird? Successful people in relationships learn from failure, viewing setbacks as opportunities for growth. They bounce back stronger and more determined to succeed in their relationships.
A client that I have been working with for about a month had the following happen in the past 6 months: A move from California to Boston, a parent who just passed, and an uninvolved spouse with her three teenagers who she is raising both emotionally and financially. Talk about resilience and a great spirit. I absolutely admire her. Her attitude is “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. And she was laughing when she said this. She’s been on 4 dates so far and I like that while she may not have chemistry with a date, she told me she’s learning all the hot spots in Boston and enjoying her time with each person.
6. Health and Well-being
They prioritize health and fitness. They recognize that both physical and mental well-being are key to maintaining healthy relationships. Taking care of themselves and encouraging partners to do the same promotes a lifestyle of energy and longevity.
7. Patience and Understanding
I know. In this “I want it yesterday culture” (thanks Amazon!), we want the great relationship today. But things take time to develop. Relationships require effort, energy and investment (so don’t give up on online dating after 2 weeks!) and they are willing to wait for the right person and the right timing.
Bonus Tip: How could I not include this
?Humility and Gratitude—I also like the word “humble”. They don’t feel entitled or “owed” things in their relationship. They appreciate the love and support they receive while also giving freely, often, and without expectation.
Maybe you have some of these traits. Or you are working on some. By being aware of these traits, singles can increase their chances of building long-term relationships full of love and respect.