Different choices bring about different outcomes.
Dating can be tough. Love isn't always easy. Relationships take effort. It's normal to feel disheartened if things aren't going the way you hoped in your romantic life. Today, I'll talk about some factors that might be hindering your search for "the one." Making some adjustments could lead to more positive outcomes.
You know the old adage: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
When I listen to new or prospective clients talk about dating, this runs through my brain constantly. And I am talking to intelligent, educated people who make great decisions about their professional lives, family, friends and other things but with dating---it’s a disaster.
Sometimes I think (you know, after over 25 years doing this as a dating coach) that there is an inverse correlation between the smarter a person is, the dumber they are at dating. Please don’t be offended. As my clients say, I am direct and that’s why I get results for them.
1. I always seem to attract the wrong type of men/women.
It's interesting to think about how we present ourselves to others. Sometimes, we may feel like we always attract the wrong people. But hey, let's not dwell on that. Instead, let's try to understand why it's happening.
First, it's important to remember that when you're actively dating, you're going to come across all sorts of people. Some may not be the best fit for you, while others might be exactly what you're looking for. It's just the way it goes.
Second, the real question is, who are you going to give your attention to? That's what matters.
Now, let's address this issue. Maybe there are some things you can do to project yourself in a way that attracts someone who aligns with your interests.
Whether we like it or not, humans tend to judge others based on their initial impressions. This is especially true in the world of social media and online dating.
For example, if you're daring traveler or athlete and want to find a venturous partner, but all your photos are taken indoors, the message you are sending is all wrong!
The truth is, you don't attract what you desire, but rather what you project. This includes how you dress, walk, talk, treat others, and carry yourself in public. So, maybe it's time to make some tweaks and show the world the real you.
I had two vivid examples this week with clients---I’ll share one. Ava is in the healthcare industry and a very caring woman. She’s also very successful and has made good investments in real estate. The men she was attracting? Needy and didn’t even own their home. (Ok, nothing wrong with that…. but not the right person for Ava who has worked so hard for all she has). Ava was not into being “a nurse with a purse”. We tweaked her profile…and now we are getting the caliber of men on par with her.
2. Think about the people you spend your time with.
Yes, this matter. A lot. And it affects your love life. What, Andrea? How can that be? They are my closest friends.
So, listen up! I know your friends are great and all, and this isn't about them personally. It's more about whether they're helping you move closer to your goals or not. And I'm not just talking about relationships, but everything in life.
Are they always dragging you to sporting events, bars and concerts because there's nothing else to do? Or maybe they're all happily single and not interested in settling down, and they project that onto you. Or worse, are they negative and suspicious of dating and especially online dating? Misery does love company, you know.
On the other hand, do they support you and cheerlead you through the dating process? Are they open to trying new things with you?
Hey, they say you become like the top 5 people you spend time with, and that includes the kind of lifestyle you lead. I actually have a client who's been distancing herself from some friends because all they want to do is meet for happy hour and complain about men. Not exactly the best group to boost your self-esteem, right?
So, remember this: your own happiness should always come first. Don't let anyone take away from it, no matter how loyal you feel towards them.
3. The places where you spend your time are crucial when it comes to meeting new people.
Lately, some of my clients have been complaining about not being able to meet anyone new. And honestly, I get it. We're all so engrossed in our phones, working from home, and sticking to the familiar faces we already know and feel comfortable with.
Making new friends as an adult is already challenging, let alone finding someone you're genuinely interested in building a relationship or life with. So, whenever I hear this complaint, I always dig deeper and ask, "If you're not meeting new people, where are you spending your free time?"
And the answers usually boil down to a few common things:
1. Going out to dinner with friends on the weekends: While it's enjoyable to hang out with your own group, it doesn't provide many opportunities to meet new people.
2. Going to the gym frequently: Fantastic! Taking care of your health is important. However, if you're always focused on your workout with headphones on and then head straight home, it's not an ideal place to meet new people.
3. Netflix or another streaming service. Yes, there is some great programming to binge, but if this is your main entertainment---well, you see the problem here.
4. Nowhere, really: The biggest challenge is right here. Having a monotonous routine means missing out on chances to connect with new faces.
Let's face it, your daily routine probably consists of commuting, working, dealing with your kids/grandkids, sweating it out at the gym, enjoying a drink, and then doing it all over again the next day. And when the weekend rolls around, it's either socializing with loved ones or just chilling out after a crazy week.
Wash, rinse, repeat. We need to change up our routines.
So, when do we actually expect to meet new people?
If dating is a priority for you, it's crucial to be proactive in your approach. Spend more time on dating apps (I know, it can be frustrating), say hello to random people in public (seriously, try a smile and I think you may be surprised), and explore the things that genuinely make you happy.
Trying a new sport? Nope, you are never too old. (I have a 64-year-old client who just started playing full-court basketball 3x a week). Yep, new friends, new opportunities.
Are you interested in art? Start attending more galleries. One client began an oil painting class (never picked up a brush before in her life) and told me about the interesting men she's now meeting that she would never have come across in her current lifestyle.
Passionate about a cause? I have a client with a young grandson with juvenile diabetes and he’s become active in the foundation and wildly expanded his group of friends.
My clients find themselves leading more fun and purposeful lives…and finding the right relationships. Are we a fit? Let’s find out. Click here to book a free call to see if we are fit to work together.