Online Dating: Right Person, Wrong Time……
So, why am I a dating counselor and a huge fan of online dating?
It eliminates one very big obstacle in dating. Think about this:
Let’s say you are on the golf driving range or at a charity event. You see an attractive woman, there is chemistry, you have an enjoyable chat and schedule a date. The date is great. Then she texts you something like “Really enjoyed our date. But after a 10-year relationship, I’m just not ready”. Balloon pops.
What happened here? It’s quite possible you met the right woman, but not at the right time. Perhaps 6 months later, it may have worked. The right person and the right timing must align.
With online dating, 90% of the time this issue is eliminated in the dating equation. My clients generally are ready to date and find a relationship by the time they pay for an online app/site. So, the odds are with you that if you find the right person, the timing has a high probability of matching.
While of course, the right person and right timing is key, there are a few other factors that I’ve found over 25 years coaching singles (and hey, 4200+ marriages!) that make-or-break relationships.
My 3 C’s: Chemistry, Common Values, Communication
It’s there. Or it’s not. Period. And, it only happens in real life. Sure, you may have some flirty texts or even a phone call before the first date, but until you are face to face there is no way to know. That’s exactly why I encourage my clients to get off the phone/texting/messaging in the first few days and get on with a real date.
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2. Common Values/Interests/Activity Level
Yep, deal breakers. Without common values, it’s heading for disaster!
· You want honesty and a monogamous relationship. You absolutely, not probably, need a partner who feels the same!
· This could be you are Catholic and go to Mass. It’s important for you to share this with your partner; thus, an atheist is probably not a fit.
· Your family is a priority. Highly likely you need this value in a partner.
· Giving back, generosity and volunteering are integral to you. A partner who could care less about and is miserly is a pretty big red flag.
· You love dogs and have two. She hates dogs, especially yours---they shed. This will turn into a bone of contention…quickly.
· Long distance: You are both in love but have never lived in the same city. It’s turning into a negotiation where to live. I don’t see a happy future here.
What I don’t mean:
· You love pilates, hiking and yoga. He loves cycling. Do you both have to be joined at the hip here? No way! But the same activity level is important. Doesn’t matter so much what the activity is! These differences add spice and independence to the relationship
At this point in our lives (we are not awkward teenagers anymore!), this skill should be well developed. Now, it’s just a matter of your communication styles and how they gel.
I’ll give you a real-life example---me! I was married for 24 years and my ex was an extremely analytical attorney/businessman. (BTW, I know he reads my blogs so just so you all know, we have an extremely amicable relationship!). His style of communication was blunt, logical and super detailed. Me? The total opposite. Though my style was direct, my attention span says let’s get to the solution in under 5 minutes as I can’t focus much longer on conflict resolution. Let’s get it over with. We learned to compromise---he cut his oratories down and I practiced active listening instead of doing my to-do list in my head!
Ok, one more example. A lovely 50-year-old female client in Boston went on 3 dates…and declared her love of him to me. She began texting him daily (not once, more like 3-5x), and then wondered where he went. Too much communication, way too soon.
While communication style may not be super noticeable on the first few dates---after all, we all are on our best behavior. You’ll just be talking about common interests, current events, travel, etc.… But don’t ignore those red flags! One female client was dating a man who said every Monday, let’s do something this weekend. Then radio silence until the following week, with insipid apologies. No excuses—once is enough to know this will be a repetitive communication pattern! Move on…
Want more info in a quick video? Check out my Two-Minute Dating Tips!
A relationship with lasting power has great communication, chemistry and common values ----and the right person at the right time can be a grand slam!
Love and Laughter,
Andrea McGinty Dating Consultant