Sometimes I think I’ve heard every imaginable dating question with my dating consulting service. Then I hear a new one! Helping singles navigate online dating for over 25+ years, every now and then and I pause before responding.
These are questions from both my existing clients and singles who call me who are struggling with online dating:
1. Michael, a 44-year-old architect asked me this: I’ve been on 3 dates with one woman but there’s no spark, no attraction on my part. Should I keep trying and see if I suddenly feel physical chemistry? As he asked me this, and knowing him fairly well, I read between the lines and knew she felt the spark, but he did not. My general rule of thumb is that if you don’t feel attraction by date #3, it probably won’t happen. Yes, it does sometimes happen on date #1, but I have just as often seen it occur on dates 2 and 3. After that, no. And Michael wasn’t looking for more friends. The kindest action is to move on!
2. Do all women online want marriage? John was widowed after a happy 31-year marriage and has told me he will never marry again. No, John! Many people, both men and women, in their 50’s and 60’s, don’t want to marry again. I hear that over and over again. They want a long-term relationship or perhaps living together. Then again, I always laugh when someone who told me a year ago, they are “never” going to marry again, calls and tells me they are engaged. So, never say never!
3. She messages me and we have great chats. Should I ask her out? Oh my gosh, YES! Time’s a-wasting here. The whole point of online dating it to meet in real life—and chatting is getting you nowhere!
4. Why am I getting low quality men online responding to me? Ok, I can think of 3-4 good reasons. You are on the wrong dating site/app, your photos are poor quality and boring, you need help with your dating profile as it’s vanilla or your messages (or lack of them) don’t stand out. Hi, how are you? That shows zero effort and is even worse than sending a heart/like/wink.
5. Why have I had no dates online? (a common question) See my answer to #4 as that sums it up. Or maybe you are negative in your profile---you wouldn’t believe the things I’ve read online as I help clients with online dating. Examples: Making an offensive political statement, talking about a bad marriage, or how bad the dating site is that you are on. Positive people attract……positive people!
6. Laura, 49, had a fantastic first date with John, 51, three weeks ago. Now he is just messaging her and claims to be super busy at work. Her question: How long should I wait for the second date? I really like him! Laura you have two options here: Cut bait as actions speak louder than messages. Or, specifically ask him to a concert or an event with a specific date. Example: Hi Mike, I have tickets for the Red Sox Friday against the Yankees. Would you like to be my guest?” You’ll know from his reply (or lack of) if there is any interest on his part in a second date.
7. Can you please call me? I have exciting news to share with you. OMG, I called her right back---this is tantalizing for me too as I’m dying to know what happened on her 4th date with Thomas. And yes, it was exciting news. She was so happy and she made my day!
8. I met a woman online and she has 3 children living at home under the age of 15. I’m single, never married, not interested in having children. We went on two dates, enjoyed each other. She wants to introduce me to her children---I feel it’s too soon. What are your thoughts?
Ahhha, this is actually several questions. 1. You need to ask yourself: If this turns into a committed relationship, you will most likely be cast into a stepfather role. How do you feel about that? 2. Two dates and meeting the kids? Wow, that’s fast and can be especially confusing to the young children. Is this common for her to do? Introduce her dates after just two dates? 3. Does this make you nervous? Well, it makes me apprehensive about her motives. This is too much, too soon. 4. Should you keep seeing her? Maybe. Maybe not. Does she know you don’t want children? Does that mean just your own? Communication is going to be the key factor here. The sooner you have a heart to heart, honest conversation with her the better.
9. He made it clear on the first date that he just wants to date. I want a long-term relationship, eventually I see myself married. We’ve been on 4 dates so far. What do you think?
He made it clear from the onset---while you may not like it, he was honest. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Look for someone with the same goals and values.
10. How long after I meet someone are we exclusive? Reading between the lines, that’s what you want right? I wrote an entire blog about this---Most of the time it happens quite naturally over time. Sometimes one party brings it up; perhaps like this “I’m thinking of taking my profile down as I’d like to just see you. How do you feel about this”? It could be date #10, #20, and I’ve seen it happen as quickly as date #4. Each relationship is different. If you want this --- ask in a nice way expressing your feelings first. No one wants to be forced into this!
If you have a dating question, send it in! I don’t just help with online dating and writing online dating profiles, but many dilemmas that surface during the first few month as an online dating profile consultant and love coach.
Andrea McGinty Dating Coach & Dating Consultant 702-494-7344 (Don’t forget to text me for a 15 minute dating consult) Founder, 33000Dates.com Founder, It’s Just Lunch (sold)