(2 of 3 in real life online dating journeys----from this week!)
This article is devoted to current clients’ dating experiences online---and today is the second in a series of 3---very different than yesterday's article.
Ok, I get asked constantly, “Can long distance work?”. My initial off the cuff answer is why even go here? Getting to know someone is a journey in of itself---then you throw long distance into the mix?
Frequently it comes up with a client living, say in Boston, and they are going to Naples, FL for 2 weeks. Can I date there? Yes, you could---but no one really wants to meet you. You don’t live there. What’s the point? A hook-up? Most singles in Naples will totally ignore your messages, so skip this....
And, let’s talk about long distance and when it COULD work.
Karla, 48, Palm Beach, FL: GM of a family owned business*
(*For the 3 clients, all gave me their permission; I just agreed to change their name and location. The remainder is accurate!).
Karla has been my client for several months. Divorced for 3 years. Adventurous. Positive. We clicked immediately and yes; she said in her initial call “why the heck am I calling you? I’m terrified to do this online dating thing”.
So, here we go:
1. Date #1: Tim, funny but very overweight and looked nothing like his photos. She wanted to quit online dating---who wouldn’t? But as a dating coach for over 25 years, I absolutely knew there were good men out there, in shape, who looked like their photos!
What she learned: When singles post photos, many put a date on them. Now she always looks at the date to make sure they are current!
2. Date #2: Garth. Funny, handsome but he wanted no part of a long-term relationship.
What she learned: Read their profile. People generally say if they are looking to date after a recent divorce, or if they are ready for a LTR. But overall, it was pleasant.
3. Date #3: Matt. Cute. Walked the beach with Frappuccino’s. But no chemistry. Friend material.
What she learned: While the initial 10-minute facetime call was fun, chemistry only happens in real life, right?
Now, for the very questionable date!
Karla called me and we looked over this man’s profile. Wow, he sounded good on paper, great photo of white-water rafting, his family, hiking----but he lived in NYC. But we were both thinking, why a guy from NYC when there’s plenty in the Palm Beach area to date.
But they bantered back and forth 4 times messaging and then decided to have a quick Facetime call.
The call with Michael, 47, VP of Finance went great. And he told her he had a place in Palm Beach as well as NYC. Something he didn’t put in his profile.
Why didn’t he? I see this frequently. He did not want a woman after money nor was he the boastful type. And, as it turns out, he’s in PB 2 weeks each month.
But the road to love has twists and turns, right?
The First Date with Karla and Michael: He flew down for the week and they had lunch dates, activity dates, and toward the end of the week even met her parents for dinner. All was going well…no, it was going great!
Then, a shoe dropped. The last night in town he told her while divorced for 8 years, he had ended an 18-month relationship earlier in the year and was unsure he wanted to jump back into a relationship.
They had a long, honest chat about their relationship goals; he left unsure.
Karla called me a bit disappointed---ok, a lot disappointed.
The following day, he sent her a long text. He said once he returned to NYC, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Then he called Karla and said the following: “I needed to hit pause for a moment and then I realized something. It was unequivocally over between my ex and me and yes, I am interested in a relationship…. with you”. It was a 3 hour phone call and Karla also stated her concerns.
The next day this came:
The following week Michael came down for 2 weeks. It was a bit more real this time as they both have careers and saw each other nearly daily, while still doing what each had to do. Eventually he plans to move to PB permanently---he was thinking in 5 years but now has moved it up to this summer.
So, yes, long-distance can work. But only if it’s not romantic whirl-wind weekends once a month. You both need reality and to live in the day to day---and the things that come up day to day. Such as Karla having a 14-year-old son who needs his mom to drive him daily to basketball practice. Or attend his 2-day basketball tournament on weekends.
Michael now joins in on some of the “family events” but they are taking it slow and real.
Hearing Karla laugh on the phone with me and tell me vignettes about the simple things they do together gives me great hope. She’s happy—therefore, I am!!!
Here is what she texted me:
Andrea McGinty and Luna Dating Consultant/Dating Counselor
Founder, ItsJustLunch.com and 33000Dates.com 702-494-7344 (feel free to text me for a free 15-minute chat to see if I can help you and we are a good fit)
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