Five Dating Don’ts That Smart People Still Do

I’m never bored with what I do. Why? Because people are endlessly fascinating — especially when it comes to dating. I’ve always said there’s an inverse correlation between high intelligence and dumb dating.

After more than 30 years as a dating expert, matchmaker, and coach — and after seeing more than 33,000 dates happen (yes, really) — I can tell you this: smart, accomplished people make some very avoidable mistakes.

Here are five of the biggest.

1. Don’t overshare.

Not on the first date.Not in a week of texting before the first date.And definitely not in the name of “being honest.”

A quick example: I had a terrific 39-year-old male client, a professor at an elite college, who was convinced he’d met his match. We looked at her Bumble profile together. On paper? Excellent. In person? Great first date.

And then he decided to give her a full post-mortem on why his two-year marriage ended. Five or six reasons. In detail.

Why? It was a first date, not a deposition.

There’s a difference between being authentic and handing someone your emotional tax returns before the appetizers arrive. Mystery is not manipulation. It’s pacing.

2. No coffee dates. No.

I had a spirited debate this week with my ex-husband Daniel. We were married 24 years, we’re still friends, and yes, we still talk regularly. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of four years, hopped right back on Bumble and Match, and proudly told me about his “coffee dates.”

I told him they were ridiculous. (I actually said "that's stupid, you know better" ...something I'd never say to a client!!!)

Coffee dates are not dates. They are scheduling gaps with caffeine.

He informed me he’d shown up in gym clothes because it was a “convenient” 30-minute window in his day. Oh, fabulous. Nothing says “I’m interested in a long-term relationship” like looking as though you might leave early for Pilates.

He reminded me that I founded It’s Just Lunch. Yes, I said, lunch — in a nice restaurant, properly dressed, making an actual effort.

Here’s why coffee dates fail:

• They feel cheap, rushed, and low-effort.

• They create no atmosphere, no romance, no personality.

• They signal convenience, not intention.
  

If you’re serious about finding a real relationship, act like it. A first date should feel like a date, not an errand.

3. Don’t listen to your friends.

At least not most of them.

Your married friends who have been off the market for 20 years? Adorable. Irrelevant.Your perpetually single friend with a trail of dating horror stories? Also not your oracle.

One of my very bright Dallas clients came back from a ski trip full of advice from his married friends. I thought: wonderful. People who haven’t dated since flip phones are now giving strategy.

Another client told me her single friend had filled her head with online dating doom and gloom. I asked, “Is she happily married?”No.“Still single?”Yes.“And you’re taking advice from her?”

Bad dating advice spreads like a virus.

Here’s why friends are often the wrong source:

• They project their fears, failures, and biases onto you.

• They rarely understand today’s dating landscape.

• They advise emotionally, not strategically.

• 
  

Dating is not a group project. Choose advisors who actually know what they’re doing.

4. Stop insisting you “know your type.”

People love to say, “I’m very open-minded... but I absolutely know my type.”

That’s not open-minded. That’s branding your bad pattern.

Back to Daniel. (ex-husband) He’s a venture capital guy. Super Type A. Intense. Driven. A lot. After his breakup, I gave him one piece of advice:Stop dating yourself.

Stop choosing women who are just as intense, hyper-scheduled, and high-voltage as you are. You do not need a female version of yourself in better shoes. You need someone calm, kind, grounded, emotionally generous, maybe a little zen.

He thought I was nuts.

Fast forward: he meets a doctor on Bumble who works part-time, loves holistic medicine, does yoga, and actually knows how to exhale. They’re headed into Date #7.

And, not coincidentally, he already sounds happier.

5. Stop messaging forever.

You are not in a relationship because you’ve been texting for two weeks.

If you live in the same city and can’t manage to meet within about a week, this is going nowhere. Stop pretending it’s “building connection.” It’s usually just delay, distraction, or low interest dressed up as banter.

I say this all the time: if too much time passes between the first message and the first date, the odds of that date ever happening plummet.

Bottom line: if you can’t get to lunch, cocktails, or a simple plan within a reasonable window, move on. Chemistry is discovered in person, not in paragraph-length texts and emoji ping-pong.

Stop messaging. Start meeting.

And remember my “which trick?” It absolutely applies here. It remains one of the most talked-about lines from my book by both media and singles for a reason.

A final thought before the weekend: a good golf instructor doesn’t just tell you what you’re doing wrong. They also tell you what you’re doing right — and tell you to repeat that.

Same with dating.

So here’s what I want you to do right:Give online dating three focused months. Use smart strategy. Be intentional. And stop the endless scrolling.

My rule?

Only go on the apps 2–3 times a week, for no more than 30 minutes at a time.

That’s it. It works.

Have a great weekend.

Love,

Andrea

#Dating #It’sJustLunch #dating expert  #Datingcoach #topmatchmaker #33000dates