“It’s a First Date. Not a Hostage Interrogation.”
Three questions you should NEVER ask on a first date. (Unless you’re trying to guarantee there won’t be a second.)
A client texted me recently after listening to a dating podcast.
“They recommended asking these three questions on a first date. Thoughts?”
Oh, I had thoughts.
My response?
OMG. NO. NO. NO. We need to talk.
Apparently, somewhere along the way, dating advice became a cross between a job interview, a therapy session, and a Senate confirmation hearing.
And people wonder why dating isn’t fun anymore.
Here are the three questions this podcast suggested asking on a FIRST date.
1. “How did your last relationship end, and what did it teach you about yourself?”
Oh, fabulous. We haven’t ordered appetizers, and we’re already conducting a psychological autopsy.
Nothing says romance quite like asking a virtual stranger to unpack their divorce over a glass of Pinot Grigio.
What are we hoping for here?
“Well, Susan cheated on me, I developed trust issues, and my therapist says I’m making progress.”
CHECK, PLEASE.
Listen, I’m all for emotional intelligence. I’m also all for timing.
Your first date is not the place to excavate someone’s relationship wreckage.
You’re ordering dinner, not ordering a background investigation.
2. “How do you handle conflict? Do you prefer to talk immediately or take space?”
Seriously?
We’ve known each other for 17 minutes, and we’re already preparing for our first fight?
What’s next?
“How do you feel about couples counseling?”
“Would you describe yourself as emotionally available?”
“On a scale of one to ten, how likely are you to disappoint me?”
Here’s the funny thing about asking people how they handle conflict.
Everybody thinks they handle conflict beautifully.
Until there’s actual conflict.
You don’t discover someone’s communication style by asking them to describe it like they’re interviewing for a management position.
You discover it over time.
Through behavior.
Not a rehearsed answer between the Caesar salad and the salmon.
3. “How do you see a relationship fitting into your life?”
Ah, yes. The strategic five-year relationship integration plan.
Would you like a PowerPoint presentation with that?
Look, I understand the intention. You want to know whether someone has room in their life for a relationship.
Perfectly reasonable.
But on a first date?
You haven’t even decided whether you want to spend another 90 minutes with this person, and you’re asking them to explain where you’ll fit into their calendar.
How about figuring out whether you actually LIKE each other first?
Here’s what 33,000 first dates taught me.
I’ve arranged more than 33,000 first dates in my career, and I can tell you something with absolute certainty:
The purpose of a first date is NOT to determine whether someone is your future spouse.
It’s to determine whether you want a second date.
That’s it.
Not to uncover their attachment style.
Not to evaluate their childhood trauma.
Not to administer an emotional intelligence exam.
And definitely not to determine whether they’re marriage material before the breadbasket arrives.
Want to know what you SHOULD do on a first date?
Laugh. Flirt. Be curious. Tell stories. Have fun. Pay attention to how you feel around the person.
You can learn an enormous amount about someone through a relaxed, natural conversation.
And yes, the important questions matter.
Just not all before dessert.
Dating is supposed to be an adventure, not an interrogation.
So please, put down the clipboard.
Order the wine.
And remember:
You’re looking for chemistry, not collecting evidence for a trial.
Andrea McGinty
Founder, It’s Just Lunch | 33,000+ First Dates | Founder, 33000Dates.com
Love isn’t luck. It’s strategy. |
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