It’s Not Them. It’s You. Why You’re Failing at Online Dating.
- Andrea McGinty
- Oct 9
- 5 min read
(Here's a recent article from AARP and New York Times writer Nicole Pajer---Thank you Nicole1)
Here’s what dating coach Andrea McGinty tells women over 50 who complain about online dating: The problem isn’t the apps, the sites, or the men.
It’s you.
About the Author
Nicole Pajer is a Los Angeles-based freelancer published in The New York Times, Woman’s Day, AARP, Parade, Wired, Glamour, People, and more
“People aren’t taking responsibility,” the author of 2nd Acts: The World’s Leading Online Dating Expert Shares 166 Practical No-Nonsense, Step-by-Step Approaches to Romance, said bluntly. “You don’t know what you’re doing, and neither do they.”
She’s coached thousands through this “second act” of romance and heard it all in the process. And if there’s one thing she’s certain of, it’s that online dating works—but only if you work it.
Mindset Is Everything
Many people searching for love later in life are going for round two. If you got married at 25, you probably never imagined having to date again at 55 or 60. “Nobody grew up with this tech,” McGinty pointed out. “Your kids do, but you?” You’re figuring this out while juggling grief, divorce, and decades of baggage—or as McGinty puts it, “life experience.”
What she hears most from women over 50 is that they’re frustrated. “I just got off the phone with a client in her early 60s,” McGinty said. “She was repeating all the negative things her friends say. I told her, ‘You’re going to have to develop a thick skin, and you can’t listen to your friends about dating anymore. They don’t know what they’re talking about.’”
She stressed you have to be careful about who you listen to. Your three-times-divorced friend is clearly going to be bitter, and listening to toxic advice can become a negative echo chamber.
And many women, McGinty added, already enter online dating jaded, unprepared, and lacking confidence. This cycle of disappointment feeds on itself. “If you’re divorced and just jumped into dating a month later, you’re setting yourself up to fail,” she warned. “First, you’ve got to heal. You’ve got to get to a place where you feel good about yourself.”
The first thing she tells her clients is “mindset is everything.” “I start my coaching with deep self-reflection and worksheets that make you face the hard truths: ‘Where’s your head at? Are you ready to date?’ Often, women discover, ‘No, I’m still too raw to put myself out there.’ And that’s okay. But rushing into dating when you’re not ready is a recipe for disaster,” she said.
Stop Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
It drives McGinty insane to hear clients tell her: “There are no men out there. All the good ones are married. They want younger women.”
According to her, “That’s total BS.”
She compared dating to playing Las Vegas odds. “Match.com is about 75 percent men. You won’t like all of them, but after filtering, 10 percent could be great prospects.”
And where you look makes all the difference. Her advice is simple: You have to do your homework and find the site that fits your location and your standards. “I hear complaints about sites like SilverSingles, but those aren’t the right platforms for everyone. If you end up on the wrong app, you’re going to have a miserable experience.”
Women will read 100 Amazon reviews before deciding to purchase a face serum and download endless apps to have dinner delivered. But doing research to find the right dating app? So annoying, right? McGinty stressed you have to be willing to put in the work so you’re not doomed from the start.
Ask you friends what they’ve had success with. Do some digging to see what each site is about and what type of demo they typically serve. Are their daters in it for commitments? Casual encounters? Focused on a certain niche? Narrow down your options, and then focus your efforts there.
Stop Waiting To Be Noticed
Remember when men made the moves? “Times have changed,” McGinty said. “If you want to date, you must reach out. Period.” Women in their 50s tend to be open to this shift. “They send that first message, and then—instead of endless chatting—they ask for a drink or coffee. That works.”
But there’s a generational divide: “Women in their 60s? They’re more reluctant. They want the man to lead. I push them hard—I even write the first messages for some of my coaching clients because they’re scared to be forward.”
An example of a message that stands out? If you see someone whose profile mentions pickleball, reach out with: “I just started pickleball two months ago. I sprained my ankle on my first outing, so our first date definitely won’t be on the pickleball court.”
A prospective date may find that funny and inspired to engage, and that engagement might lead to the date. “If you don’t ask, you don’t get,” McGinty stressed.
Don’t Be Afraid To Be Weird
Photos matter, but not in the way you think. McGinty sees too many women (and men) posting LinkedIn-style headshots or the classic bathroom mirror selfie.
“Quirky sells,” she said. “One client in Asheville took a photo sitting in a pile of 4,000 pens. Sounds weird, right? But it’s memorable and it got her a lot of attention.”
McGinty encourages women to lean into what makes them unique. “You’re not selling a used car—you’re showing your best self, your fun self.”
Success Stories in Action
McGinty’s success stories prove it’s never too late for love.
One client, 68 years old and out of a 45-year marriage, came to McGinty feeling beaten down. McGinty sent her to a professional photographer and pushed for a makeover. Three weeks later, the client had dates with two men and faced the “good problem” of choosing between them. She’s now in a long-term, monogamous relationship, confident and happy.
And a woman in Utah? Dating in a dense Mormon area (she's not Mormon) was bleak and she was open to relocating for love. McGinty challenged her to identify three places she’d see herself living. Seattle topped the list, so McGinty had her rent an Airbnb in Seattle for a month and change her profile location. The gamble paid off: She met “Michael,” and a year later, McGinty received a wedding invitation.
Quit the Blame Game
Many women thrown back into the 50+ dating pool feel frustrated and lost, but McGinty said it’s time women stop blaming the apps after putting in minimal effort. “It’s not magic. If you log on for 15 minutes twice a week and complain, you’re doing it wrong. You need to commit, learn the algorithms, and send quirky, unique messages—at least five per session.”
And when a connection happens? “Move fast. Don’t turn it into pen pals. Meet in person. Date four times in two weeks. You’ll get your confidence back, and you’ll know quickly if there’s chemistry.”
Dating Is Work— But the Payoff Is Real
The market is there. The tools exist. It just requires some effort. “Treat dating like you treated your career. You put in the work to get where you are professionally. Why wouldn’t you do the same for your love life? You owe yourself that,” McGinty said.
So the next time you want to complain that “there are no good men” or “the apps don’t work,” remember McGinty’s brutal truth: It’s not them. It’s you. And that’s actually good news—because you can fix you. Or Andrea can.
Want to know more about Andrea McGinty? The godmother of modern matchmaking has spent three decades helping women over 40 find their second act of love. Divorced, widowed, or single, intimidated by tech but still hopeful—those are her people. Learn more about McGinty, her book, and her work with clients here.
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