Online Dating Advice---Take it or Leave it!!
I am going to cover a multitude of different topics today---some questions you’ve asked me in the past two weeks, some observations I have and a few tidbits of advice.
Why am I adept at giving this guidance?
1. I’ve been helping singles for over 25 years and I love it
2. 60% are in relationships
3. Over 5,000 marriages (yes, just me!)
4. As a dating coach, I’m really good at online dating and helping my clients
These will be fast topics---so think of today’s column as a Short Film Festival---don’t like the movie? Wait a minute and there’s another!
1. Love Languages
Ok, you are online and reading about someone and they mention their love language. You are like what? If you are so inclined, take the LL quiz (it’s free online) and now you can participate in this conversation with a potential match. If LLs aren’t your thing, I suggest you skip this person.
2. Am I ready to date?
(Most of the time the answer is YES, time to get back on the horse! I generally find after 4-5 first dates my clients are comfortable, happy and relieved that there are “normal” men/women out there!)
Case in Point:
Sunday night my work cell rang 3x in a row---my inclination was to pick it up—I knew it wasn’t one of my clients from the caller ID. But someone really, really wanted to talk to me. Scenario: A 52-year-old NYC woman whose partner had just ended their relationship of 20 years---he had moved on to a woman 20 years younger than her. It happened 5 weeks prior and she had just flown back from a safari in Botswana to purge her thoughts of him with the lions and hippos.
She asked---can you help me? Do you think I’m ready? She’d also taken my dating quiz online. I asked her many more questions. The answers I gave her were: a. Yes, I can help you and b. No, I’m not sure you are ready. It’s like a car crash while you were driving---some people get behind the wheel immediately to get over the trauma----others can take months.
I came up with a good neutral solution for her---I sent her my in-depth questionnaire (which I generally only give to paid clients) and asked her to fill it out. Told her I’d call her in a few days after I read it over. This solves two issues: 1. She will spend the time thoughtfully answering the questions and by the end have a good idea of whether she’s ready to date and 2. By me reading her answers it will indicate very quickly to me whether I think she is ready and if I should take her on as a client.
Ok, this happens after your exciting profile is up on the site I handpicked just for you with terrific photos of you and now… You have to message him/her for dates. As my clients well know, I have a 90 second rule on messaging before we skip on to the next man/woman---and I actually go online with them and teach them real messaging skills with real people. I type. They approve. My messages are light, friendly, flirty and sometimes funny or quirky. Sometimes my clients are aghast at what I just wrote a potential date of theirs----then they get a reply back and tell me I was right.
So, what is my point here?
A client asked me if I could write this up in a booklet for them. No, I replied. I’m teaching you how to do this in real time on a real site with real men. A typical 45-minute coaching session with a male client yesterday---we went through 28 woman---sent 19 messages, blocked 9 of them---he received by this morning 12 positive replies thus far. It works.
4. INTJ ESTJ ESTP ISFJ
I see this online sometimes in people’s profiles. Singles talking about their Myers/Briggs results. You probably took the test in a college psych class. Want to take it again? There are many of these online---some free. How does this help with dating?
In my opinion, not much. Why not? With 25 years under my belt, I find chemistry, communication and common values to be much more conclusive on how two people will get along. Thus, you run across a profile where the person is writing copiously about their M/B attributes and if it’s not your thing, skip them.
5. I’m going to wait until _________ to date.
You fill in the blank. It could be:
I’m going to wait until Fall to date. (why)
I’m going to wait to see if my ex-girlfriend changes her mind about us. (ummm, ok?)
I’m going to wait until my kids leave for college. (hey, kids want happy parents---and you needn’t expose your kids to your dates!!)
I’m going to wait until work slows down. (will it ever?)
These are all just excuses, maybe fear based, maybe anxiety based, maybe your BF scared you about online dating.
The singles that I see have success are proactive and not waiting for the perfect moment.
So what are YOU waiting for?
So, let’s get started now, together. I’ll make it fun, easy and an adventure!
Love & Laughter,
Andrea McGinty Founder & Dating Coach
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