This is one of the most common complaints I hear from singles. And it’s not because you’re not attractive, or there are no men out there, or they all want to date 20 years younger, or online dating just doesn’t work for me. (It works for everyone else, just not me).
Nope. That’s not why.
So, let’s take a look. Online texting/messaging is both an art and a science. The art portion is being imaginative, short, sweet and knowing your audience. The science part is super simple: Here we go with stats! On average, an online dater can expect that with every 10 messages they shoot into cyberspace, one will answer. Gulp. Ok, if you are super talented with messaging, it may be 2, even 3 in 10.
But like Wayne Gretzky said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.
1. Statistically, if you have not met him/her within 5 days of the initial message, the date/meet will never happen. Did that floor you? This is true 95% of the time according to a Stanford study. As a dating coach advising singles for over 25 years, I wholeheartedly agree. Cyber dating moves fast—here today, gone tomorrow. Don’t wait!
2. “Saving people” you may be interested in. Ok, this amazes me as I work with intelligent people. What does this mean? We will be looking at potential matches together online, and I get the comment, “Let me think about him/her”. I ask “Why and for how long”. You know the answer: “I want to see who else is out there”. You just lost. Please don’t do this. Here is my Rule of Thumb: If someone told you that the Powerball ticket you were thinking of purchasing gave you a 50-50 chance of winning, would you buy it? Of course. Same logic applied here. If there’s a 50-50 chance you might like them, why does it hurt to send a message? Worst case, you’ll get a bit more info on them. Best case, you’ll love their message and a date ensues. I can’t tell you how rare it is that someone looks at a match online and says “Oh, I know there’s a 90% chance she is the one for me”. How could you know that from a simple profile and a couple of thumbnail photos?
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3. Hearts/Flowers/Winks/Smiles/Likes Don’t even get me started on this one. You send any of the above without a message, you just wasted your time.
4. Cut/Paste Messages We know. And who wants to respond to this message. For men it goes like this: “Hey beautiful, I like your profile”. For women: “I liked your profile. We have lots in common”. Zero effort here. It’s either someone clueless about messaging…or they’ve been online forever and are burnt out. Either way, don’t respond. And please don’t become one of these people!
5. Paragraphs, and paragraphs and paragraphs Yes, I run into this working with my clients. They have sent an interesting message to a potential date, and what do they get back? A novel on this person. I’m totally serious. On Monday with one client we got a reply that was 8 paragraphs telling us his life story. Both our eyes glazed over after the first few sentences…who wants to date someone who spills their life on a dating site. TMI!
As Michael Jordan said: “The key to success is failure. I’ve never been afraid to fail”.
And as an expert in dating, he is so right!
So, what works? I’ll get into that in my next article. But here’s a preview: Short, Sweet, Gracious, Funny, Quirky, and asking a good question! More on that Saturday.
Happy Dating, my friends!
Andrea McGinty Founder, ItsJustLunch and 33000Dates.com Dating Coach/Dating Counselor 702-494-7344