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The Online Dating Puzzle: I say 8

Feel free to agree or disagree with me. I love comments where you tell me I’m right (I have had over 4,300 marriages to my credit as a dating coach) and also when you disagree. But I’m always ready for you to challenge me about dating.

So, what’s the puzzle? Ok, remember the book The Rules from the 90’s? Well, I was still running It’s Just Lunch ( when the book debuted to media fanfare and female worship. While I totally believe in freedom of speech…and pen, when clients brought the book up to me, or the media asked me about my feelings on it, I said unequivocally “Burn it”. Yep, like Guy Montag, the fireman who must burn books in a futuristic America. (Fahrenheit 451) But I respect writers, and good on those two authors who made money on that book. I do respect that. Just not the book and game playing in dating. Several clients brought up this book over the past week.

Now to my point: The Dating Puzzle 8. Here’s how this goes:

1. You meet a man/woman online and there is chemistry. (Yay, I say). Date #1 was fantastic.

2. So were Dates 2, 3 and 4 with the same person.

3. Hey, we are all on our best behavior and charming at first and none of our flaws show.

Inevitably, what occurs next is a call from a client: “OMG, Andrea, I’m done. I found him/her. I’m not dating anyone else.”

Me: “There are 4 or 5 more men/women that I’ve found for you that I think you should go on first dates with”.

The Client: “No, this is it”. (I can hear it in their voice---they are thinking wedding bells, a march down the aisle, moving in together, lavish travel plans, growing old together). “Andrea, no more coaching this is it”

Here comes the slippery slope. This client (and it could be male or female—so ladies I’m not picking on you) starts texting this person 6,7,8 times a day, including mundane photos of what they are doing.

Suddenly, the other party stops responding or cools down to 1-2 texts every few days. Yep, they heard it in you---desperation. And it’s not attractive.

Why am I talking about this? Because then I get the phone call, “Help, what did I do wrong? He/She is not responding”.

Look, I date too. (After a 24-year marriage). So, it’s not like I’m giving you theoretical advice---I personally live it myself and so do my clients. (thousands of clients over the years!)

60% of my clients are in serious relationships. How did they get there?

They began online dating with me as their dating counselor. In the first month they generally went on 5-6 first dates of which 2-3 dates turned into second dates. They continued dating a variety of people they liked. They were giving many singles a go. Now, I’m not telling you to go out with people you don’t like! But I am saying, see what is out there first.

My successful clients who end up in long-term relationships? It generally happens around the 8th date with this person. By then, they’ve had lunches, dinners, played tennis, perhaps a weekend trip, cycled together, met each other’s friends---and it’s getting real.

Inevitably, one (or sometime both) will broach the topic---I really like you. I don’t want to see other people. How do you feel about this?

And, you will get an answer. I’d say 80% of the time the answer is positive and both singles feel the same. For the other 20%, well, you got your answer. Better now than 6 months from now, yes?

I see this every single day. You are paying me for advice. All I’m asking is that you keep an open mind to others and not obsess on one person. It won’t work. Believe me.

So, if anyone thinks I was not super positive here, I’m sorry. I want you to be successful. And I know how. So, let’s get started!

Love & Laughter,

Andrea McGinty

Dating Coach/ Dating Consultant


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