How to stay positive when dating
Yes, this can be difficult. Believe me, no one calls me and says online dating is just wonderful. Nope. Nobody is super excited to call me. Hopeful, perhaps! What I hear is:
· I’m exhausted
· This doesn’t work
· It consumes my time
· Are there any great men (women) left
· I don’t know where to start
As a dating coach for nearly 30 years, I am always hopeful. Why? I see success on a weekly basis. Remember, it only takes one and that one could be your next date. Now, while I am an optimist, I understand the emotions and exhaustion that can take a toll on you from the numerous dating sites and apps. (I myself went through online dating a year ago after 25 years of marriage. I get it.). And there is not one site/app that is magical.
It’s more of a (like my dad drilled in his 6 children) “When the going gets tough, the tough get going” or “Winners never quit, and quitters never win”. Yes, I played a lot of sports and this is ingrained in me.
Ok, enough rhetoric and let’s get down to nuts and bolts of hot to stay up with online dating:
1. Forget finding the one and just have fun
Phhheww, did you just feel the pressure and anxiety diffuse? Yes, going out into the dating marketplace with low expectations helps you be yourself and achieves results.
2. Don’t become obsessed with your dating app
As a matter of fact, I coach my clients to only go online 3x a week for 30 minutes searching for potential dates. This can’t be your full-time job or you’ll go crazy.
3. Yes, there is dating fatigue So, what do you do? The sensible thing---take 2-4 weeks off and don’t look at all. So, what if you are paying for the app still? You need some time to recover, explore some other things and just take a break. Then come back refreshed and positive.
4. Try new things Ok, you are exploring the world of online dating. How about taking the time to explore some things that have sat on a bucket list or been in the back of your mind? Studies show people are happiest when they try new things and get out of their daily routine. I have a slew of clients now playing pickleball---learning a new sport and being exposed to new people. Take a class in person. Join a Meet-Up---instead of hiking with your BF try a group. Oh, so many things to try!
5. Concentrate on what you can control For one, your own time. Being selective in who you choose to date.
So, you needn’t just listen to me! Here is what a few clients have said this year:
Tim, NYC, ER Doc, 56:
Working with you was an absolute delight. I called you my “canary in a coal mine”, because with your vast experience you were able to really predict what was going to happen. That included my initial interactions on the sites and subsequent dates. You saved me a lot of time weeding out the chaff and with your help I was able to find the life partner who I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
Anna, 67, Boston: It may be that the lucky #14 Match date is a keeper! Charles and I met in late August and have been dating for 9 months. I like him a lot, and he thinks I am terrific. We are spending a lot of time together and passed by your stomping grounds last week on our way to see the Van Gogh Immersive exhibit in Miami. We have much in common and very similar values.
6. Don’t take it personally Your time is valuable. You went on a fun date with Mike on Saturday. You never hear from him again. It happens. Don’t spend time wondering why he didn’t call or why he didn’t like you. It’s a total waste of your time when there are millions online---and some will be thrilled with your attention and really like you.
7. Don’t make dating your whole life Do I need to say more?
8. Lower your expectations for first dates Oh, wow, I could write a book on this one. This is aimed at singles who spend an hour on the phone with someone before going on the first date. By the time the date rolls around, you are way too excited from that fabulous phone call. No, if you must do a phone call first keep it to 10 minutes with boundaries in place. I like my clients to text “Excited to have a 10-minute call and see if we’d like to meet in real life”. Boundary set. A phone call is not a date nor are numerous texts. Who needs a pen pal?
9. Refuse to give up Yes, you may take a break. Arianna met Tom on her 19th date. It’s been 6 months and they are making big plans for a life together. Michael met Susanna on his 12th date---just as he was about to throw in the towel.
10. Date many people A common mistake I often see is a client going on one date----then saying “I’m done. He/she is the one”. One date does not make a relationship---and I always am adamant you must not stop dating until you’ve been on multiple dates with a person and you both feel the same way.
That’s it for today! Happy dating and chin up. Need help? Text me at 702-494-7344 for a free 15-minute-chat to see if I can help and we are a good fit.
Andrea McGinty Founder, https://www.33000Dates.com
Dating Expert/Dating Counselor: Featured on Oprah, NYT, Forbes, WSJ, People, CNN, and many more