I Had Another Newsletter Planned. Then I Got This Email. Tolstoy? Dating? What?

Yesterday, a woman who is not a client sent me the nicest note thanking me for my newsletter and the dating advice in it.

And at the very bottom of her email was this quote she must like:

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” — Leo Tolstoy

I read it and thought:

Well, Leo, welcome to online dating.

Because after 33,000 first dates, I can tell you—singles spend an enormous amount of time talking about what everybody else needs to change.

So, with apologies to Tolstoy, here are 5 ways his advice applies to your dating life:

1. Stop trying to renovate your dates.

He'd be perfect if he dressed better.

She'd be great if she weren't so independent.

He'd be wonderful if he communicated more.

Nope.

Dating is not HGTV.

Your job isn't to find someone with “good bones” and start a six-month renovation project. Find someone you actually like as delivered.

2. Your “type” may be the problem.

If you've dated essentially the same person in six different bodies and you're still single, perhaps we stop blaming the bodies.

Change the casting director.

Date someone an inch shorter. Five years older. Outside your usual profession.

Someone who doesn't photograph particularly well but makes you laugh your head off over dinner.

Your type got you here. Maybe it's time for a new type.

3. If nobody is good enough, check the measuring stick.

I love standards.

I don't love a 47-item checklist that eliminates 99.8% of the eligible population before appetizers.

There is a difference between having standards and making yourself impossible to date.

Keep the dealbreakers that actually matter.

Lose the nonsense. Lose the bad attitude.

4. Stop demanding vulnerability while playing it cool.

This one makes me crazy.

People tell me:

“I want someone emotionally available.”

Then they wait three hours to return a text because they don't want to seem too interested.

Really?

Want warmth? Be warm.

Want communication? Communicate.

Want effort? Make some.

Tolstoy would have had a field day with texting.

5. Before you change apps, change something else.

New app. New matchmaker. New city. New age range.

Sometimes those things absolutely help.

But before you declare that “dating today is terrible,” ask yourself one slightly uncomfortable question:

What am I willing to do differently?

Better photos?

Broader criteria?

Actually meeting people instead of endlessly messaging them?

Going places alone?

Giving the perfectly nice person who wasn't instant fireworks a second date?

Thinking about matchmaking? 

Talk to me first. After 30+ years in this business, I know the matchmaking world—and I know who’s good.

And because I get asked this all the time: yes, I do a little matchmaking myself. But my primary focus is helping you meet great people through multiple strategies, not just one.

I only take 1–3 private matchmaking clients a year. It’s highly selective and, yes, very expensive—not because I’m trying to be exclusive or snobby, but because matchmaking requires an enormous amount of my personal time.

I’ve found I can help many more people find love by showing them all the ways to meet someone—not just waiting for a matchmaker to do it for them.

Because here's the part Tolstoy got exactly right:

The easiest person to blame in dating is everyone else.

The most powerful person to change?

You.

And sometimes one small change in how you date changes your entire dating world.

Love isn't luck. It's strategy.

XX, Andrea

P.S. And to the lovely woman who sent me that email: thank you. You gave me today's newsletter. Tolstoy gets partial credit. 😉 

 I do read all your comments! (and appreciate them!)